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12:53am 07/09/2010
  I said this to my husband the other night:

Is it weird that there is not a single thing that I like about myself?




True story. And I don't really know what to say about it other than that it is an honest assessment of how I feel about myself. That is not to say that I hate myself. I don't. I just don't -value- anything about myself. Which makes me sad, but I really don't know what to do about it.
 
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09:20pm 21/08/2009
 
mood: sick
It has been a long time since I have been -this- hungover. I feel like shit.
 
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11:02pm 10/08/2009
  I just cut bangs. I can't dye my hair anymore and there is only a certain amount of time I can go without doing -something- to my hair. The jury is still out but I am about 92% sure that I like them. Except that I look about 5 years younger when ever I have bangs and I don't even look my age in the first place so I am sure to get carded about 10 times more often than I do when I don't have bangs. Ah well! Too late to change it now!!  
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10:21pm 29/07/2009
  Productivity vs Sweeny Todd

Unsurprisingly Sweeny Todd won out :-D
 
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04:04am 29/07/2009
  Man, taking naps in the middle of the day seriously messes with my sleep schedule. Luckily I have no classes for the rest of this week, so I have time to get it back on track. But the heat (110 or so) plus the hangover meant I basically slept all day. It was glorious. But now.....it is 4 am and I am bored and wish I were asleep.  
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Writer's Block: Pick and Stick   
01:44am 28/07/2009
 
If you could only eat one kind of cuisine—Mexican, Thai, French, Italian, Indian, Chinese, etc.—for the rest of your life, which one would you choose?


Italian. Specifically, Fettuccine Alfredo.
 
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01:23am 28/07/2009
  So I realize that last entry was long and really rambling. That was not how I wanted to return to livejournal. I wanted to be able to put everything into brilliant, concise words. Clearly that can't happen, at least on that particular topic. But oh well. It really did feel good to his the "post" button. I really did feel like all that weirdness and confusion and anxiety went out of me when I hit that button. It's an amazing feeling. It's why when people talk about how they don't get blogging or how ridiculous it is to keep a blog that I just tell them that they need to try it. There really is something inherently freeing about it.  
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12:51am 27/07/2009
  Wow It's been forever.

I am hoping I will be able to write more soon. I have been wanting to write stuff, but not stuff to put on myspace or facebook where everyone I know can see. And then I realized....I MISSED MY LIVEJOURNAL! lol

However, the Masters program is sucking my will to live. Seriously, I have basically no life outside of school and this next year is going to be even worse, so I have no idea how often, if ever I will have the time to write. But I hope I will. There are some crazy things going on in my life that I would like to be able to process here. Like meeting my biological father and my 16 year old half sister this coming weekend. Like dealing with the hell that is living with our roommates. Like trying to quit smoking. Like figuring out what the fuck I am going to do once I graduate. Like trying not to self destruct under the stress of school. And I was rereading a bunch of my old entries and I really miss the people that I used to talk to here. :-(

Anyways, I really need to go to bed. I have class in the morning. I -always- have class in the morning. (not really, but it is starting to seem like it. I haven't had a break from classes since March and don't finish summer term until August 27th. Blerg.)
 
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Wow....   
02:57am 02/02/2008
 
mood: awake
It has been -forever- since I have posted. Basically, I am in my senior year of college. I am attempting to finish my masters program application on time. I am trying to keep up a passing grade. Right now I am taking Research methods and Stats (the 2nd half...), Physiological Psych (Which sucks, but I have a good teacher), Psychopathology of Childhood (which sounds more exciting than it is, but it is still pretty cool), Personal Development (Where you act as a client for grad students) and Capstone. I am SOOOOO excited about my capstone project. I love it. I am working on setting up a mentorship program for queer youth and am helping to set up Gay-Straight-Alliances in local high schools and am sitting in and (eventually hopefully) facilitating a support group for queer youth. I love it.

Additionally, my husband is still amazing. I love him to death and I learn something new about him and us and marriage in general every day (or at least every week :-P) Our puppy is the cutest goddamn thing on the planet and the dog park is my new favorite place in the world. I love dogs so I get my awesome puppy therapy whenever we go there and there are some really amazing, cool people there!

Also, I seem to have finally gotten my medication perfect. My social anxiety is almost gone and my depression is the same. It has however stunted my sex drive a bit, but that isn't saying much. The main issue before was that I had no energy for sex even if I wanted it. Now I have energy for sex if I want sex and have the energy to be talked into it even if I -think- I don't want it ;-)

So....that is my update!!! I hope to be able to post more soon! If anyone is still reading this, hang in there with me!!
 
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08:16pm 26/08/2007
 
mood: cheerful
Nothing can cheer you up like cute little kisses from a puppy with peanut butter breath.
 
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Oh dear lord.....   
02:09am 03/08/2007
 
mood: drunk
I haven't written in forever. I have been doing summer school. It is super sucky. I didn't think it would be that bad, but seriously.....it sucks. But oh well! Taking these classes mean I get done next spring and get to walk rather than having to take an extra term.

Also, I got back on meds. Right now I am on Celexa. It is okay, but I don't think the dosage is high enough because I am still having anxiety and depression issues. I was also in therapy again, but I quit. I just don't get therapy. I don't understand what I am supposed to get out of it. I mean, really! What do they do for you if it is a case of chronic depression that is -obviously- biologically based??? Especially if you have been in therapy for 12 yrs and still didn't get anything out of it??

Anyways, I just wanted to update. I miss visiting here! I never have the time anymore.

OH!!! We also got a puppy. She is FREAKING ADORABLE!!!!!!!!! And........as much as I used to want kids.....I think I just wanted babies. And I don't know that I want kids at all. And I think my husband is coming to the same conclusion. I think all my wants about children are fulfilled through us having pets and through all of my friends having children. I can still babysit and visit children when I want to, I still have a small cute thing at home, but I can give the kids back when they get annoying and my small furry thing is much smaller and will never talk back to me.

But who knows. I may change my mind eventually.

Lol

And, I am trying to get my capstone with a group that does child therapy but that is proving ridiculously hard and is getting really irritating.

So......Yeah! Yay!

PS-I finally changed my email on here. The old one was so full of junk mail, that I hardly ever checked it. Now it is sent straight to my school email, so I will actually see responses now (if there are any)

PPS-I will post pics of our puppy super soon.....
 
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12:22am 19/04/2007
  So my "Psychology as a Major" class requires us to interview someone who works in our prospective field. Since I would absolutely -love- to eventually work in civil liberties law, I contacted my state's ACLU to ask if someone could do a phone or email interview. I really hope they answer back....  
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02:40pm 17/04/2007
  I have totally dropped off the planet for awhile. I just started working and going to classes again. I forgot what it is like to be busy and it hasn't helped any with my anxiety problems. Also it is constantly raining now which wreaks havoc on my depression. I am constantly tired, even though I am sleeping normal hours for the first time in forever. We went to the coast for three days this weekend and it was absolute bliss. I could just feel the stress running off of me. Then we got back home last night to our messy apartment and pouring rain and classes/work and an upcoming exam and I could feel all that stress climbing right back on. However, if I keep taking a full credit load and if I can get into the classes I need in the order that I need them, I will be graduating next summer. Its weird to think that in not very long I will finally have a degree to show for all the crap I have gone through with school. And I will have piles and piles of student loans. ::sigh:: Okay. Now I am depressing myself. And I guess I should actually do something that justifies people paying me for sitting here. Hopefully I will get settled enough that I can actually manage to visit this site every once in awhile.  
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11:43am 22/03/2007
 
mood: crappy
So if you happened to catch that last post before I deleted it, you may have figured out that I had a huge fight with my husband on Tuesday. Admittedly, it was very much helped along by the bottle and a half of wine I drank that night. Also, we suck at fighting with each other. We've only had 2 other fights the whole time we've been together, and at least one of those was also the end result of too much wine. But I am the type who needs to actually -fight- and yell alot. He is the type that pouts and wants to make things better by ignoring them. Well....we are working on finding a middle ground between those two points. Anyways, we finally made up after I spent an hour crying on the couch.

The next day I felt like crap because a lot of wine + an hour of crying = very, very dehydrated. Luckily, I had drank a ton of water the night before and it was really good wine so the hangover wasn't as bad as it could have been. And N came home early from work to hang out with me, which was really nice. It had sucked because we had the huge fight and then didn't really have time to make up because he had to go to sleep to wake up early in the morning so him coming home to hang out was very nice.

I also spent that day wallowing in self-loathing. So....I have social anxiety. When we go out anywhere, I spend about an hour hyperventilating and having panic attacks until I manage to drink enough alcohol to calm me down. But when I drink, I get -very- talkative. Seriously. As in, I don't ever shut up. Which means I wake up the next day, remember that I was very talkative and become convinced that I was a total idiot and everyone hates me and that this is why I should just stay home and never try to interact with people. It sucks. A LOT. I don't know how other people can act like idiots and not even care when I can act normal, but -think- I may have been acting stupid and it eats and eats at me for weeks. Or basically until we go out again and then I have a new experience to panic over. I just don't get it.

So anyways, I am going to go back to bed now. I still am fairly depressed from the fight and everything and am fairly sick to my stomach because of the whole anxiety thing. Basically, I am a giant freaking mess right now. And I hope I stop being that way soon because I have to start school again in 2 weeks. Bleh. I feel like crap.
 
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holy giant survey!   
07:59pm 06/03/2007
 

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality
You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about self than concerned about others, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are adventurious (100%), adventurous (95%), intellectual (80%), slutty (76%).

Stereotypes
Punk Rock60%
Emo Kid56%
White Trash55%
 
Life Experience
Sex71%
Substances81%
Travel24%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 64% of the time.
  Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Lower Middle Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 31% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated NC-17.
By the way, your hottness rank is 62%, hotter than 88% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

 
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02:41pm 30/01/2007
 
mood: depressed
My birthday is coming up. I am less than amused. Is 24 too early to start lying about your age?
 
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05:05pm 18/01/2007
  Yay! I get to be a witness in court! My godsister and her husband are getting sued. The people who bought their old house are suing them saying (among other things) that the plumbing was screwed up and the stove doesn't work. I stayed at their house a couple of weeks before they sold it and the plumbing and stove were fine when I was there, so that is all she needs me to say. And yet I am annoyingly excited about it. LOL  
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02:27am 17/01/2007
  It snowed today!!! Yay! Snow snow snowsnowsnow!!!! I love snow! And we took one of our ferrets out in it tonight. He loved it! Tomorrow we will try to take the other one out, but he is not too good at the whole leash thing...  
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05:49am 15/01/2007
  Note To Self:

If you must stay up late watching X-Files alone in the dark before you go to bed, try to not make it the episode about the creepy psychic assassin who kills people through their dreams...
 
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03:18am 15/01/2007
  I got a pasta machine! I got a pasta machine! I am so excited! And now our kitchen is covered in flour and racks and racks of fresh pasta!!! lol I am going to have to find people to give it to you because I really doubt we could ever eat this much pasta.  
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